I'm a disaster... Although I'm not sad.

State: Critic
Song: Rihanna- Umbrella

I'm absent-minded, extremely absent-minded.

I wanted to look for information about the minority parties before voting in the Galician elections. I didn't do it.

I wanted to give the stamps which I have two of them. I absolutely forgot it.

In Chinese, I haven't failed by miracle, but in English I have failed three of four parts. (heeelp!!!)

As student representative, I'm a disaster, I had to have done a phone list and I didn't.

Furthermore, my memory (which works when it wants) and my stage fright (I would like to overcome it, and in a short period of time I will must confront them...) I'm getting crazy!

Good- bye, Juan

Status: Sad
Song: Los Piratas- Muertos

The new of the suicide of Juan Campos Paz, music teacher in some schools (Included Escuelas La noticia del suicidio de Juan Campos Paz, profesor de música en diversas escuelas, (Entre ellas, Escuelas Nieto, where I studied the last four years of the obligatory school) was threw cold water on. Probably it was to many other people. I knew it on Wednesday, when I was going to the swimming pool. A big pain dominated me and I couldn't prevent myself crying. I had seen him last time some months ago. I couldn't imagine nothing like that, the only thing I thought is that he probable needed to talk.

I cried a lot at the funeral. It ashames me, in addition, there were many of my ex teachers in that school. I remembered his lessons, his words, his tenderness because of his being calm and good person. But I also remembered the times I think seriously to commit suicide. Fortunately, somebody stopped me.

I'm trying to assimilate it... But I can't...

Without internet?

Status: angry
Song: Amaral- El final

What a problem.

It's possible that I wouldn't have internet for some days.

Prrrrr.....

Films season in Italian starts...

Status: Calm
Song: Modena City Ramblers: I cento passi

I think it was as appartain again to that group of Italian students. A strange sensation full me today, when I entered to the Assembly Hall, convinced to watch the first film of the Italian film season (mafia, camorra films, etc). That's the way of my ex teachers to express the repulse to this kind of activities. Yes, the fact of study in the languages school yet, has the vantage: I can assist to some activities of Italian yet without problems.

Everything started with a introduction of a teacher, that I tried not to see his face... He talked a little, I think the most important thing he said is that these films, chosen by the Italian departament, tell true stories, not like American stories of mafia, as The Godfather. Then of some minutes of distraction, I could concentrate myself in the film, One Hundred Steps, that tells the story of Peppino Impastato. Touching.

In that two hours I felt strange, as nothing had changed since last year. I don't appartain now to that classes, as I know how to deffend myself with Italian language. Somebody says (as an ex teacher of the Secondary Obligatory) that I should look for a job as a translator. Maybe it could be as easy as say it!

Without stamp my unemployment

Status: stuned and nervous
Song: Vomitiors- Nervos

My case doesn't have a name.

I was asleep and I couldn't stamp my unemployement. I know my clock sounded and I stopped it. I also had a serie of small strange dreams, I have dreamt with the nurse (I have to go to do my medical history) I dreamt with one of my ex-teachers of Italian, I dreamt with my ex-monitor of the pool (Yesterday they changed us monitor). So, a strange mixture that anyway, makes sense. The fact is that I'm angry because I couldn't stamp my unemployment (of course, is only possible do it until the 11) And tomorrow I will have to do another card... I have to send it to...

Little relief

Status: Triste, pesimista
Song: Caparezza: Un vero uomo dovrebbe lavare i piatti


Only two things: I'm not fine and everything is a holy shit.

Secret police

Status: Afraid
Song: Morodo: Los carros de Babylon

Today I had one of that dreams that doesn't make sense. A distressing dream. and really ridiculous. I was in the street, and a group comes to me (4 men and a woman). They tell me:

- Secret police. Are you Anahí Palacín Martínez?
- Yes, I am.
- So, yo have to collaborate with us in a mission.
- What mission? How many time will dure?
- 2 months and a half.
- Absolutely not. I can't be missing two months and a half to my class.- I try to scape, but they take hold of my arm.
- If you don't want to collaborate, we are going to arrest you.
- Can I call my parents?
- No.
- I have to advertise my parents.
- Absolutely not.

They dragged me, against my wishes, as a delinquent. Finally we arrived to a place and they closed me in a room.

- Tomorrow morning mission is going to starts.

And they closed the room with a key.

Fortunately, suddenly I awake.. So distressing.

Breaking with everything

Status: Angry, and something else I can't say (look the lyric of the song)
Song: Nine Inch Nails: Closer

Today, although that I have just say,-logically I wont give much details.- I want to cut off the contact with many people, that sometimes made me cry, with intention or do it or not, I don't know.

So, I have clear all my contacts in msn, yahoo and skype. I cancelled all of them, now I'm taking the people who talk to me (When their messages arrive) Why I'm doing that? I want to forget to some people who hurt me, and also to eliminate the people who I don't usually talk to. Yes, it is a really readical way, but it is the best. If I don't cancel some of that contacts, things can be worst. No, I'm not in something strange, I promise it.

New year, new life.

2008's evaluation

Status: Thoughtful
Song: Loreena McKenitt:Arabia

Another year has gone. It has been a scandalous year for me, full of experiences, positive and negative ones, but unforgettable.

This year the economical crisis has been really commented, in stead of that, my emotional crisis comes since the beginning of the year until now. During this 2008, I did not resolve any of my emotional conflicts, in stead of that, I have avoid them, I hope only for a period. I am not going to give names, who know me a little, can guess that names.

In the positive balance, I can say I could work. During three months I have been really in hurries, because of work and lessons. I have learnt that if I do more things, I have more time. It is strange, but that's it. I left the job, because is more important the health that the money, if a work creates you ansiety, is better to leave it. It was a miracle to me, that having less time, I have passed all, English, Italian and Chinese. The most direct consecuence is that I have finished Italian.

I have known new people. Salomé, Roy, Roberto, Álex... That was one of the things I always thank it was most complicated.

And the most important thing, I could travel most. Almost of them were short trips, but it is an advance: Twice to Madrid, once to Toledo, once to Finisterre, with some stops... (it is not much far, but it is something...) E obviously, my missed return to Milan, that meant look some new places appart of that city than I love.

This year, I have new objectives. Maybe too high expectatives. But I have to mark myself objectives:


- Meditate more, learn to control my shyness. Maybe I would have to do a course of oratory...
- Find a job.
- Leave my house. (And with a little more time, with a little help, I maybe could go for a longest period to Milan)
- Do courses (I'm specially interested on the air hostess one)
- Travel most.
- Participate in some literary competitions.
- Find a decent boy (mision impossible)
- To buy a portatile.

What strange dreams...

Status: dreamer
Song: Ligabue: Niente paura

Today I had a strange dream, but satisfying, and at the same time, stressful...

I was in a company, at Milan, where nobody spoke Spanish and they need somebody that could speak Spanish and Italian... So, I was working there, and they called me many times to translate what was telling somebody, or also to translate documents... I don't remember much, basically I remember I was really in a hurry... :D

If that dream was real... I would be so happy :D

I realize that I dreamt something else but I do not know exactly what I dreamt...

Christmas

Status: tired
Song: Vacca: oggi va così

Today I am really tired. Maybe it is not so strange, after all. 24^th, Christmas Eve. At my paternal grandparents’ house, as each year. After that, I went to the village with my best friend and her boyfriend, to make a kind of cellebration. We watched a film, drank, ate... I could not imagine that it could be really a good plan, the bad thing is that it was so cold (we have a radiator) and the day is so hot.

25^th, Christmas. It is a day that I do not really like. In addiction, we always (or almost always) passed it in my maternal grandparents’ house, in a village which is really oppresive (at least, it is to me). Every year, when this day passes, I feel really better.

Yesterday, I spent my time well. I wanted to buy some Christmas presents for two friends, so that’s all... I really knew what I wanted to buy and where to go, so I did not have much problems.

This month I also realized that I have spent many money. It is true, at least in my case, that the famous “ant spenses” are a curse. I have a little problem with food and sweet things, this is clear in my expenses…

Today I have a stupid day, I hope you are passing it well :D

Weekend...

This weekend has been interesting.

On Friday, I took dinner with my mates and teacher of Chinese, then some of us went out. I got fun, really. Most of us know each other and we keep on well.

On Saturday, I went to the cinema with Roberto and Matteo. We watched Madagascar 2 (ha, ha). It was funny. The bad thing is that after that, we went for a drink and they started to talk about things connected to policy, but too specific things that I didn't know, so I didn't dare to give any opinion. So I felt a little bored, and I was also tired. It isn't the failt of nobody, anyway. It was not the right night, ha, ha, ha.

On Sunday morning, I met James, a Chinese boy who studies in the Languages School. He told me he has been in a journey for two weeks, and we bought me a present. That's true, we bought me a book of Chinese symbols really interesting. So, we see, how many symbols do you know!- Told me. I saw page to page some of the symbols I know. He is really nice. The present surprised me, actually, I haven't met him yet until yesterday. I hope my mates of Chinese won't pull my leg.. again!

The subconscious...

Yesterday I dreamt that I was punished in a class, with the face to the wall, giving my back to everybody, while the teacher explained something.

There is no much to comment...

Bad day...

Yesterday I had a day of that which you would like to shot yourself, once, or maybe twice. The truth is that I don't know if it could be worst. In the morning, I had to go to the doctor to take some analysis results... and they had one of them, but they don't had the other one. My doctor is a little bit heavy, she really broke my head. I went out of there angry, I had really whishes of kill somebody and thinking that I need really the analysis on 20th. We will see.

I couldn't concentrate myself in nothing during the hole day. Then, the time to swim arrived. It was horrible. Suddenly, I felt extremely tired, and I can't get. I couldn't swim, I needed to stop each little time because my body was going down. When I was swimming in crawl, the water entered by any place. I don't know, U could'nt take breath. " Are you ok?"- Asked me the instructor. I didn't know what to answer. "She is tired! Isn't it, Ana?"- Told one of my partners. In fact, I haven't done the ridiculous enough yesterday. When we had to made an exercise, (the last one) on foot, I staggered. I couldn't really keep my balance.

In addiction, my "friend", when we met then of swim, asked me to go out first, (As always) because she only want to met boys. Fantastic!

Only a mail makes me smile some minutes during the day of yesterday...

Italian...

What a stupid thing.

Yesterday, I waited for Salomé in front of the languages school to go to the pool, as all Wednesdays. Obviously, at 21.30 is when people who is in the languages school yet, go out. Many of teachers go out from the car park, but some of then leave from the main door.

So, lately, I see my last Italian teacher, Fabio, and to some partners who come at the last hour to Italian, because they are repeating course (some of then, in their own free will) In that moments, malincholy approach me a little, and I miss the debates, the gossips, the hours fighting against the language, and angry because I didn't put up with some people, actually.

But, if I think about that, malincholy comes from time ago. Last years I missed the 2º year, which my teacher was Jose, a teacher who had fun with us the most he could. Of course, I was the youngest person of the class, as I was 18 years old. Then, I was from the "yogur era" and "pokemon era". (He didn't guess really...) And me, so shy, I didn't know what to say... So, Marco, a boy from Vasto-Marina (Abruzzo)who I really mind in that period, told me "Tell him he is a..." Well... What period... And it only was three years ago.

Anyway, now I need changes... Many changes.

Challenge

Today I'm so happy. I have finished reading Domani ti perdono, of Alessandra Appiano, book which I re-start (I had read half) some days ago. The hole fact is not to have read it, but I have read it in three days. I'm making-up a part of me which I believed it was lost in my memories of my childhood pre-virtual, which I was a book devourer, and internet was just a banal idea that I couldn't imagine. I have gone to the library, I could go away from the mundanal noise that always is too much in my home, until the dawn, which didn't mind me when I was a child, but now it really disturbs me. I have gone to the nearest library with the only objective of read.

Until last course, I had a trouble too: I was studying Italian by the old plan, so, I had to read three books imposed by the sacred Italian departament. That means hurry, disconcentration, and less choice. Now I have a personal challenge, read as a crazy, as when I was a child who didn't mind nothing about what was happening to the rest of people, who walked by undiscovered worlds, and lost herself between woods with her cousin, she, who only met a friend on weekends at home, and a day in A Coruña were a day in the paradise. Reading are discovered another worlds, another ideas, another dreams, who we can't touch in another way. The books were my secret refugees, they made me dream. I want it will be like that yet.

Flashes and cameras

Yesterday was one of that days which are different to the rest. The chinese teacher told us that if we can to come to class at the morning, to come. She put a video of a serie we usually watch in Chinese, that sometimes seems a telenovela in stead of an educative serie :D. We knew that yesterday was coming the government counselor of education. We are only a few, most of the people can't come in the morning. It was an strange situation to me. First, the director and the head of studies, all two really good clothed. It was strange to me look to the head of studies (I had seen him since the beginning of the course) like that, he was my teacher some years ago and he always pulled the leg of everybody...) Then, a lot of giornalists entered and finall the counselor. Being rounded of gionalists, was really absurd to me, cameras which registered, and flashes that light a lot of times. The situation makes feel everybody nervous, I guess. Now I understand to peple who always scapes of this. But it wasn't bad.

Happy Birthday!!!

This blog has made two years!!! (6/10/2006)

Happy birthday!!!

Spiral of indecission

I look myself into the mirror. Surprised. Thoughtful. And I start again in the Languages School, I start again to study Chinese and English, but it's the first time in five years that I don't have to study Italian. It is strange to me after five years. I could go to the complementary classes at most, but, would they be useful? I mean, I am so trained in internet. The wheel which rounds and rounds. As a wiccan song says:

Air moves us,
Fire transforms us,
Water shapes us,
Earth Heals Us.
And The Balance Of The Wheel Goes Round And Round.

And the wheel rounds. A new period in my life is opening a way. Changes come around while I eat chocolate as I wouldn't be the main character, but a member of the audience. It's not true really. There aren't members of an audience, we all are characters of this strange novel that is all life. I remember, when I was that young girl of 18 years old, at the 2º year of the languages school,the teacher who pulled my leg because she was embarassed to talk in Italian language. And now? What about now? Somebody has called me bauscia and mangianebbia. Maybe because I live Milan, when I'm far too. It let me a mark forever, as a smiles and tears story, as a devil who wants to smile, as an underground speed which run through my dreams into a doubts' forest. Yesterday something stupid happens to me. I slept for five minutes and I had an strange dream:

Piola... fermata Piola.

I rase up the underground fast. I made some balances to try not to fall and sat up. And again:

Loreto... fermata Loreto.

I went down, confused until I found my way. Have I found it? Not really. I'm going to do 22 years old (17 october) and I don't know yet what is my way. I hope to find it first to arrive to Abbiategrasso. It could be too late.

And I will see the surprised faces of my teachers, now ex Italian teachers, while I go around and around in a spiral of indecission who orders much than me, more than my parents would like to order, more than how I could lose myself throught the notes of a song with happy ending.

When the day is bad...

Yesterday was a bad day. I was active already in the morning, because my mother and my aunt were many days broken my head: "Put in order your room!" So, because I don'e want to hear them, I started to do it. After eating, I started to do my things and later I watched the tv and used internet until the 18.15, because at that time I had Chinese lesson. That was the second day I was in "mourning". It wasn't an apparently one, because I had a black shirt without sleeves and with nec, a long skirt, almost a "witch" skirt, and black shoes. It was just the meaning: Mourning because the death of the holidays. It was everything Ok at lesson, I could see that Chinese is fresh in my mind and that I'm brighest now. That's better, because Yan (our Chinese teacher) went into overdrive last year, and I guess she will do it this year.

I arrived to my home, I ate something. I started watching some TV-series which I download by internet in English language (original version), and I was bothering a little to Roberto. How? Is enough to put in skype a Milanello (Mascot of the Milan)



and 21.50 came, at that hour I had a meeting with Salomé to go to the publish pool. It was terrible. They made us swim for some minutes, and they arrived to the conclusion that I had to go to the small swimming pool, (where there was only old people) because I have to learn to breath. I felt useless. Maybe I'm a little out of training, but that of put me in a pool with only old people... (nice people anyway) makes you feel bad. I discovered that I can't swim with the back, in fact, water came to my nose and this made me to have an incredible headache.

I felt so sad, but ok, maybe I have to take the rithym again. In aerobic I felt stupid like that at the beginning... How is possible that I lost so much the practise?