That boy of the ATM...

State- sad

Song- Gianna Nannini- Attimo

I’m sad. Thoughtful. Months have past, but I remember. I remember when I was at Gratosoglio, and a young driver, I think an autobus driver, told me “Buongiorno” with a smile. I answered, with a smile too. And I continued by my way. I don’t remember if the driver was a a tram driver or a autobus driver, but probably the second one. There are two trams there, the 3 and the 15, and the line 79 of bus. And the boy was waiting some minutes first of going again. I didn’t say nothing in that moment, because I had Fabio. But I have to say that I didn’t forgot that boy. And I regret not to say nothing else.

I couldn’t find his trace. I returned to my home. I don’t know why I remember him. Maybe I lie myself and I try to distract my conscience of my sad and cruel life. I’m not in my Milan. And spring arrived. Spring makes me feel strange. Who was him? What was his name? Maybe that smile was just my imagination? I Orly know that I remember him. And nobody can help me.

A little bit sad

çStatus: A little bit sad
Song: Verdena: Ovunque

Today I'm a little bit sad. I'm at Bologna. I like a boy of a bar and its some days I don't see him. One of the children is ill so tomorrow I will be busy all day. In addition, today the weather is not so good and all boys ignore me xDDD

I have a good new too but I can't talk about it because is not sure. I hope it.

Nerves

Status: Thoughful
Song: Gamba de Legn- Ciapasala no

Hi everyone, I have decided to write again, I have only the English exams, on Monday and Thursday, but now I have much more time because I don't have lessons. The Chinese exams have gone ok, although the day of the oral exam I met the director of studies (who is a little bit teasing, and as I said sometimes, he taught me...) And he asked me if I was making such a racket upstairs (Oh, of course, you ask it to somebody who is really quiet...:D)

During this days I felt a little sad because I don't know anything about the job. I tried to call and... no answer. And there is a month to go. Obviously, this fact upset me. To tell the truth, I was starting to think in staying at home, but I realised that I absolutely have to go. Whatever happens. Deep down, the most seriously thing that could happen is to have the need of going to the Spanish consulate and ask for a return ticket, But I hope not to reach that limit...

Nevertheless, during last weeks I have had a kind of virtual love at first sight with a boy from Milan, the strangest thing is that it seems to be mutual.... He has impressed myself a lot really, and it seems that I impressed him too. By the way, independiently of this, he looks surprised because he says I look really involved with politics... To tell the truth I have been interested in that for some years... My ideas had been always more or less the same... More or less. The most curious thing is that regarding Italy, some people really convinced of their ideas have done that I could know some people (virtually at last) of the politics world. Some majors, dipolomate ranks and candidates. o_O

At least, I has been called from the ONCE for a Braille course. They really have the obbligation of organize courses, but there are not many volonteers at Vigo, so they organise this course sometimes :D

Sorry...

Status: stressed
Song: Vacca- Poco poco poco

I'm sorry because I'm not writing much in this period, but I'm really stressed because the exams and the trip... (But overall, I'm paranoic)

I want that this period will pass soon...

Shit

State: depress
Song: Pesi Piuma- Giorni di Sangue

Today I'm not fine. Menstrual, angry because my brothers have travelled for first time (to Paris) and I had gone to any place out of Galicia. They have just only 15 years old, and they have been to Madrid, to Barcelona, and now to Paris.

I don't have clear ideas either about my return to Italy, it could be a big victory or a spectacular failure. In these days I have no news about the job, they have to send me a document to sign yet... About "where to sleep" I don't have either anything clear, I'm thinking about some possibilities, but I don't know anything for sure.

Today is the tipical shit day in which I only want to cry and eat. In this period I don't go out, everybody are busy... I don't know. I'm not fine. And in a short period of time, I will have exams...

I'm not sure about my future... Absolutely not..

Wrestling

"L'è mea vèra che nel silenzio
dorma dumà la malincunìa,
l'è mea vèra che un tuscanèll
l'è mea bòn de fa una puesìa.
In questa stanza senza urelògg
bàla la fata e bàla la stria
in questu siit senza la lüüs
che diis tücoos l'è duma' l'umbrìa...."

And now, my thoughts are dancing with the rhythim of strange melodies, the doubts that are accumulated one by one in my head. There are 81 days to it,81 days to fight against my future exams, to leave everything in order in Vigo. And also my Summer. A strange Summer, maybe full of adventures that I could never imagine, I'm going to do something I didn't think I could, with an unknown result. The masks of theorical"friends" are starting to fall, and it let see how many are true skins of sincerity. Ad adventure worthy of any of my ex Italian teachers. I'm a bit afraid, but with fear we can't do anything...




I feel myself small.

What strange dreams...

Status: dreamer
Song: Ligabue: Niente paura

Today I had a strange dream, but satisfying, and at the same time, stressful...

I was in a company, at Milan, where nobody spoke Spanish and they need somebody that could speak Spanish and Italian... So, I was working there, and they called me many times to translate what was telling somebody, or also to translate documents... I don't remember much, basically I remember I was really in a hurry... :D

If that dream was real... I would be so happy :D

I realize that I dreamt something else but I do not know exactly what I dreamt...

Spiral of indecission

I look myself into the mirror. Surprised. Thoughtful. And I start again in the Languages School, I start again to study Chinese and English, but it's the first time in five years that I don't have to study Italian. It is strange to me after five years. I could go to the complementary classes at most, but, would they be useful? I mean, I am so trained in internet. The wheel which rounds and rounds. As a wiccan song says:

Air moves us,
Fire transforms us,
Water shapes us,
Earth Heals Us.
And The Balance Of The Wheel Goes Round And Round.

And the wheel rounds. A new period in my life is opening a way. Changes come around while I eat chocolate as I wouldn't be the main character, but a member of the audience. It's not true really. There aren't members of an audience, we all are characters of this strange novel that is all life. I remember, when I was that young girl of 18 years old, at the 2º year of the languages school,the teacher who pulled my leg because she was embarassed to talk in Italian language. And now? What about now? Somebody has called me bauscia and mangianebbia. Maybe because I live Milan, when I'm far too. It let me a mark forever, as a smiles and tears story, as a devil who wants to smile, as an underground speed which run through my dreams into a doubts' forest. Yesterday something stupid happens to me. I slept for five minutes and I had an strange dream:

Piola... fermata Piola.

I rase up the underground fast. I made some balances to try not to fall and sat up. And again:

Loreto... fermata Loreto.

I went down, confused until I found my way. Have I found it? Not really. I'm going to do 22 years old (17 october) and I don't know yet what is my way. I hope to find it first to arrive to Abbiategrasso. It could be too late.

And I will see the surprised faces of my teachers, now ex Italian teachers, while I go around and around in a spiral of indecission who orders much than me, more than my parents would like to order, more than how I could lose myself throught the notes of a song with happy ending.

Fighting

I can't sleep.

I can't sleep, maybe because of the thirst, in the other hand there is the hot and finally, I am thoughtful. It's 21 days to Milan part two. It is really a challenge, but yesterday, something showed me that I'm prepared now.

Yesterday I defeated again one of my biggest problems, the disorientation, produced possibily by problems as the hydrocephalia and the dyslexia, problems which I can coexist with. Yesterday I made another point. I'm winning this match 4-2 aproximately. I don't know really, hydrocephalia scored me some goals, but now I'm firing it. First, I lost my fear, and I started moving me around Vigo. Then, I could losing myself in Milan and discover that nothing happens, because I will never be alone. Yesterday, I won another time, and I could arrive by myself to the Berbés sports pavilion. It looked so difficult, but sometimes a strategy change changes everything.

Yes, now I'm prepared to the return to Milan. Taking in consideration that I will sleep near to Piazzale Loreto,I know how to use the underground, and I'm not going to be alone as well, everything will be ok since the moment I will get on the airplane.

Who said that hydrocephalia is invicible?

I almost faint...

And it is the blame of Antena 3, because they don't give the complete information by the beginning...

They started telling that Ryanair cancelled thousands of reservations by internet of flights from today... I couldn't take breath until know that they mean reservations which are made with another companies (as Edreams) My reservation was made directly by the Ryanair website...

I know, I don't draw well...

I have found something curious...

A little "map" I drow when I was in a hotel in Milan last days... after losing myself!



To people who don't know: the circle is Piazza Piola.

A new chapter?

Maybe.

Maybe I would have to close a chapter in my life.

Maybe la Viga has to die. And I will be Anahí again. So, the buddist profecy could be real.

Perhaps... :(

It only ocurred me to sing to the Madonina although I'm not a christian...

Oh mia bèla madonina,
che te brillet de lontan,
tutta d'or e piscinnina,
tì te dominet Milàn....

Si, vegnì senza paura,
num ve slongaremm la man,
tutt el mond l'è on grand paes a semm d'accord
ma Milàn l'è on gran Milàn!

I MISS YOU!

I wait until tomorrow...

I kid myself.

I kid myself thinking it will be a tomorrow. Tomorrow I could breath, tomorroy I could scape. Tomorrow I could look through your eyes, and tell you what I really think. If you are in that tomorrow yet, I will be there.

Another time the "morriña". The morriña, in Galician, is the homesickness. The homesickness which is destroying myself inside and outside of me. Thoughts, lost throught the clouds of my head. Indescriptible anxiety which break my soul too. I don't breath. I can't breath. I must to pass these exams. I must to be free and be calm on September. I have to return.

And we will be again, then of discussions, tears, and a strange plot of love stories, hateness and sex. And we will hug ourselves, while cars shout, people look us with a mixture of hateness and envy, and tram cars move without piety. At the same time, I will look around myself, remembering old memories, and, I will smile, with tears in my eyes.

Tears go down my eyes each time I remember that hug. And I cry when I remember me rounding in the Milan streets, hoping the tomorrow never would come.

But it arrived. And now I'm here, in Vigo, thinking I'm happy about being Galician at the end. Vigo, the city of Olives. Tree of the peace, the fertility, the victory and the reward. But I don't have internal peace, I have to won my victory, and the reward would be the result. Waiting yet. Dreaming yet. An. And.

I'm only a phantom of the past...?

Destination: Subitam Vel Repentinam Mutationem

Yesterday I defeated.

I went to work, as all days, but I knew that It already will be not the same. They have made us to do client service. I have gone, again, with my mp3 in my ears. I entered, I sat, I started to work, and then they make us go there. It was horrible.

Then on some calls, which I deal, the crisis arrived. It calls an angry person. I couldn't do everything. I didn't found the information. People didn't notice that I needed some help. I was, at least, fifteen minutes like that. I couldn't deal with all the pression of doing everything at the same time. I crumbled. I couldn't take breath, I couldn't evite crying as a stupid one, the hands shaked. I wanted to move away to my conscience but she was there.

Finally, when I was destroyed, they took me to a room. Two cold and rigid shadows, pretended to understand what was happening. They tried to make me feel calm, and they tried to convince me to return. But words were full of hipocrisy. They only wanted to wash their hands. I felt that.

Later, I went, listening music again. I only listened a song: Heart-Shaped glasses, of Marilyn Manson. It is curious, but it is the only thing that makes me feel calm as a sedative when I am at the limits of self-destruction.

On top of that, two of my Milan's friends are playing with fire. They have done a trip, and it is the second time that they told: "Next time I'm going to meeting you!" If you would want to go, you would have already gone.. Don't wait me to go to Milan, fuck off!

Concentrated in my dreams

I have started to looking how to make my dreams take shape, and realize them. I don't think already at time, but only at the objective (As the pacient buddists do) I have posed myself a lot of objectives to this year when it started, and actually, I'm working on it. I don't think to give up.

Maybe there are a couple of objectives which are more important than the others, the first of them is returning to Milan. Of course, In a hand, as I work,I'm saving money now. In the other hand, I'm looking for alternatives to evite passing for Madrid or Barcelona, and of course, there is an interesting alternative, which is taking a bus from Vigo to Oporto. There are regular lines of departure and return, which go from the bus station to the Oporto's airport. The only problem is that I would go from the bus station many hours first of the flight... At least, three of four, he, he.

The other big objective is the artistic development. It is something which is a little blocked now, specially because of the school and the exams that are starting soon (two of Chinese, four of English and five of Italian) but when classes finish, I will try to put myself into that absolutely.

Now, I just wait. I wait, but concentrated, to finish the school. I wait and dream.

Stressful period

I'm in a stressful period of the year. In a hand, yesterday I felt so bad at job. They made me take callings, and I felt an useless person. Finally. they made me do what I had done first. I will take a dislike to the telephones, the programmes and Orange. Uff.
In the other hand, it is an stressful period at the school languages too. We have to talk for a minute in Chinese (I haven't done yet because I didn't have time to prepare it) and I have to do an oral exposition in ITalian. I think that it has to be a 10 minutes exposition. Anyway, I already know what to talk about: About Celts in Italy. Brugh and Iunthanaka have passed me a lot of information about the Celtic Milan. Milan, I miss you so much. I love you and I hate you, you are my dream and my nightmare, awful tears of happiness... But I will return, although I know that I will feel in a tense situation as when I went, or maybe more...

Dreams....

A few days ago, I have had a curious dream.



Yes, it was me. I had a blue suit that looks great. So formal. My hear was put up in a bun. My lips, were made up. And I had a black small case. (No, I haven't robbed a bank)



I run as a crazy woman into the Milan streets. I run, I looked at my watch. I was in a hurry. In a big hurry. I was late. I arrived to an underground stop, and I went downstairs as fast as I could. In that moment, I have lost the underground that I had to take. I wait patiently the next one. When I was into, I tried to be a little calm. I was late, but there was only a little to arrive. Finally, I went down and ran. I ran as never I have run. I arrived to a place that seems an office. I went into.


Too late. A group of men, were sitted in front a table, and they looked at me... Some of them smile me, and another had face of: Where have you been????Uff.....

These are the posters that have appeared in Vigo to celebrate the women's day...



Without comments... Who knows me, knows that Matteo, Pelone and etc called me like that :D And when I was at Milan, I had to heard thinks like "Ciao Viga!" or "Ciao Vighina!" :D

What a weekend!

This weekend I didn't stop!

Friday night I met Vane and some of her friends and I went out until the 5 AM. This time I didn't drink much alcohol, but I have danced a lot. First of all, we were in a Brasilian café and then we go out with some friends. I have danced as a crazy girl.

On sunday, I got up,- more or less, althought I arrived late- to the personal knowledge activity of Entrebarrios, because I know I have to learn to relax myself. It isn't bad. After that, at evening, we did some rehearsals of the theatre text, (We are performing for first time in a pub in a week) Then humanist meeting, after that I made up myself, (I dressed as a kind of witch) and many of us went to a party. I played the tambourine because two girls of the group are learning to dance Galician dancing, I have known a lot of nice people, we danced a lot, and we took as dinner an Ecuatorian reciepe. (It's the first time for me) One of the boys of the association told me later to go to a disco with him, but finally It couldn't be. Anyway, I got fun.

And today, well, I had a more relaxing day, although I went to Vane's house because he asked me to teach her a little English to talk with a Swiss friend (What a pitty... he is from the German zone!!!) And I was so nervous when I have started because I never did something like that... But anyway, little by little.....

I tell you that I hope going to Milan on April. It would be with the association, but it's a good thing to meet a special person... And to some another people. If I have good luck, maybe I can go to see some of the groups I like... I hope it!!! I wish to earn all the money by myself too and that anybody mess up my plan!