That boy of the ATM...

State- sad

Song- Gianna Nannini- Attimo

I’m sad. Thoughtful. Months have past, but I remember. I remember when I was at Gratosoglio, and a young driver, I think an autobus driver, told me “Buongiorno” with a smile. I answered, with a smile too. And I continued by my way. I don’t remember if the driver was a a tram driver or a autobus driver, but probably the second one. There are two trams there, the 3 and the 15, and the line 79 of bus. And the boy was waiting some minutes first of going again. I didn’t say nothing in that moment, because I had Fabio. But I have to say that I didn’t forgot that boy. And I regret not to say nothing else.

I couldn’t find his trace. I returned to my home. I don’t know why I remember him. Maybe I lie myself and I try to distract my conscience of my sad and cruel life. I’m not in my Milan. And spring arrived. Spring makes me feel strange. Who was him? What was his name? Maybe that smile was just my imagination? I Orly know that I remember him. And nobody can help me.

Deep loneliness

State: Sad
Song: Counting Crows: Colorblind

Loneliness.

Deep loneliness.

I feel blocked in a tunnl, the angy has exploted, the research of my inner peace has been impulsed.

Merry Samhain to everybody.

Courage

State: A little bit tired
Song: Los Piratas- La sal

I have been to Italy for two months. Fortunately, I'm back to Milan again (alwayas as an a pair) If I couldn't return to Milan again, I would get crazy. I can't stand the little villages. I'm a city woman. I prefer to feel under my feet that the road shaking because of the underground,instead of hearing no noise at nights. It makes me feel alive.Apart from that, some situations make me prefer always Milan.

Unfortunately, it is not all right. Some people are not really well. Some people because I'm far. Another people, although I'm close to them, they have really big problems.

Each second is important... I haven't realise of it at first.

Some people think that to do what I did (going abroad, without nothing for sure and with the risk of losing everything) is for courageous people. Maybe is not for courageous people, but it is for crazy people. For coward people. I needed to go. Not many people suffrered, but the people who suffered, they suffered a lot. Not many people realise that I have arrived, neither. But I didn't go unnoticed for some people.

Some things that are happening around me are too hard for me, but I have to be strong.

Shit

State: depress
Song: Pesi Piuma- Giorni di Sangue

Today I'm not fine. Menstrual, angry because my brothers have travelled for first time (to Paris) and I had gone to any place out of Galicia. They have just only 15 years old, and they have been to Madrid, to Barcelona, and now to Paris.

I don't have clear ideas either about my return to Italy, it could be a big victory or a spectacular failure. In these days I have no news about the job, they have to send me a document to sign yet... About "where to sleep" I don't have either anything clear, I'm thinking about some possibilities, but I don't know anything for sure.

Today is the tipical shit day in which I only want to cry and eat. In this period I don't go out, everybody are busy... I don't know. I'm not fine. And in a short period of time, I will have exams...

I'm not sure about my future... Absolutely not..

Without stamp my unemployment

Status: stuned and nervous
Song: Vomitiors- Nervos

My case doesn't have a name.

I was asleep and I couldn't stamp my unemployement. I know my clock sounded and I stopped it. I also had a serie of small strange dreams, I have dreamt with the nurse (I have to go to do my medical history) I dreamt with one of my ex-teachers of Italian, I dreamt with my ex-monitor of the pool (Yesterday they changed us monitor). So, a strange mixture that anyway, makes sense. The fact is that I'm angry because I couldn't stamp my unemployment (of course, is only possible do it until the 11) And tomorrow I will have to do another card... I have to send it to...

Breaking with everything

Status: Angry, and something else I can't say (look the lyric of the song)
Song: Nine Inch Nails: Closer

Today, although that I have just say,-logically I wont give much details.- I want to cut off the contact with many people, that sometimes made me cry, with intention or do it or not, I don't know.

So, I have clear all my contacts in msn, yahoo and skype. I cancelled all of them, now I'm taking the people who talk to me (When their messages arrive) Why I'm doing that? I want to forget to some people who hurt me, and also to eliminate the people who I don't usually talk to. Yes, it is a really readical way, but it is the best. If I don't cancel some of that contacts, things can be worst. No, I'm not in something strange, I promise it.

New year, new life.

I will start...

Tomorrow everything starts again...

And the wheel rounds. Tomorrow I will go to Italian lessons, and Tuesday, to Chinese and English. I will see again the faces, of people that I value and ignore, I will start to fight against the letters...

There is people who had told me that I'm crazy: It's not enough with my mother tongues, (Spanish and Galician), with English, with Italian or with my criticized study of the Milan lenguage. (I will continue to fight about it) I will started Chinese.

If 10 years ago somebody told me about the things that are happening, I would not believe it.

And there are 10 days to become older: 21 years old. But it's the same, the hole important thing is to fight.. And not to wear myself out never!

Lost

Lost.

Lost again.

I am lost again in a sea of useless thoughts, of lost dreams, of endless fights to find a that person, Anahí, a middle-adult middle-child that already doesn't know how to face up to life, face up with a smile and all her strengh, (That is the thing I believe when I think in the moments I lived in a city that now is far) or with a tear, that falls too when I think in the reality of present. And I'm present and absent. Most of times absent. Because I'm not here. I wasn't never here. It's difficult to explain.

There are people who admires me. They admire me because of how I sing, of how I write, they admire my capacity of learning languages (Although I'm lazy) or to understand me with this f.. computers, although sometimes I become their slave. Well, about my artistically gifs, I only can tell something. Writing is not an ability. It's an illness. If yow want witing something good, you must to try it with your own stories and emotions, and sometimes are produced some strange sensations. Too strange. Sometimes almost suicidal.