Deep loneliness

State: Sad
Song: Counting Crows: Colorblind

Loneliness.

Deep loneliness.

I feel blocked in a tunnl, the angy has exploted, the research of my inner peace has been impulsed.

Merry Samhain to everybody.

Courage

State: A little bit tired
Song: Los Piratas- La sal

I have been to Italy for two months. Fortunately, I'm back to Milan again (alwayas as an a pair) If I couldn't return to Milan again, I would get crazy. I can't stand the little villages. I'm a city woman. I prefer to feel under my feet that the road shaking because of the underground,instead of hearing no noise at nights. It makes me feel alive.Apart from that, some situations make me prefer always Milan.

Unfortunately, it is not all right. Some people are not really well. Some people because I'm far. Another people, although I'm close to them, they have really big problems.

Each second is important... I haven't realise of it at first.

Some people think that to do what I did (going abroad, without nothing for sure and with the risk of losing everything) is for courageous people. Maybe is not for courageous people, but it is for crazy people. For coward people. I needed to go. Not many people suffrered, but the people who suffered, they suffered a lot. Not many people realise that I have arrived, neither. But I didn't go unnoticed for some people.

Some things that are happening around me are too hard for me, but I have to be strong.

The face of happiness...

I'm in love...

Michael Jackson

I hadn't had time to write something before.

It's really a pity the death of Michael Jackson, he has been a great artist. It's also a same his continous fisical changes (unnecesary changes, first of them he was really handsome) and that some rumors have damaged his image.

R.I.P.

Nerves

Status: Thoughful
Song: Gamba de Legn- Ciapasala no

Hi everyone, I have decided to write again, I have only the English exams, on Monday and Thursday, but now I have much more time because I don't have lessons. The Chinese exams have gone ok, although the day of the oral exam I met the director of studies (who is a little bit teasing, and as I said sometimes, he taught me...) And he asked me if I was making such a racket upstairs (Oh, of course, you ask it to somebody who is really quiet...:D)

During this days I felt a little sad because I don't know anything about the job. I tried to call and... no answer. And there is a month to go. Obviously, this fact upset me. To tell the truth, I was starting to think in staying at home, but I realised that I absolutely have to go. Whatever happens. Deep down, the most seriously thing that could happen is to have the need of going to the Spanish consulate and ask for a return ticket, But I hope not to reach that limit...

Nevertheless, during last weeks I have had a kind of virtual love at first sight with a boy from Milan, the strangest thing is that it seems to be mutual.... He has impressed myself a lot really, and it seems that I impressed him too. By the way, independiently of this, he looks surprised because he says I look really involved with politics... To tell the truth I have been interested in that for some years... My ideas had been always more or less the same... More or less. The most curious thing is that regarding Italy, some people really convinced of their ideas have done that I could know some people (virtually at last) of the politics world. Some majors, dipolomate ranks and candidates. o_O

At least, I has been called from the ONCE for a Braille course. They really have the obbligation of organize courses, but there are not many volonteers at Vigo, so they organise this course sometimes :D

Sorry...

Status: stressed
Song: Vacca- Poco poco poco

I'm sorry because I'm not writing much in this period, but I'm really stressed because the exams and the trip... (But overall, I'm paranoic)

I want that this period will pass soon...

Shit

State: depress
Song: Pesi Piuma- Giorni di Sangue

Today I'm not fine. Menstrual, angry because my brothers have travelled for first time (to Paris) and I had gone to any place out of Galicia. They have just only 15 years old, and they have been to Madrid, to Barcelona, and now to Paris.

I don't have clear ideas either about my return to Italy, it could be a big victory or a spectacular failure. In these days I have no news about the job, they have to send me a document to sign yet... About "where to sleep" I don't have either anything clear, I'm thinking about some possibilities, but I don't know anything for sure.

Today is the tipical shit day in which I only want to cry and eat. In this period I don't go out, everybody are busy... I don't know. I'm not fine. And in a short period of time, I will have exams...

I'm not sure about my future... Absolutely not..

Wrestling

"L'è mea vèra che nel silenzio
dorma dumà la malincunìa,
l'è mea vèra che un tuscanèll
l'è mea bòn de fa una puesìa.
In questa stanza senza urelògg
bàla la fata e bàla la stria
in questu siit senza la lüüs
che diis tücoos l'è duma' l'umbrìa...."

And now, my thoughts are dancing with the rhythim of strange melodies, the doubts that are accumulated one by one in my head. There are 81 days to it,81 days to fight against my future exams, to leave everything in order in Vigo. And also my Summer. A strange Summer, maybe full of adventures that I could never imagine, I'm going to do something I didn't think I could, with an unknown result. The masks of theorical"friends" are starting to fall, and it let see how many are true skins of sincerity. Ad adventure worthy of any of my ex Italian teachers. I'm a bit afraid, but with fear we can't do anything...




I feel myself small.

I'm a disaster... Although I'm not sad.

State: Critic
Song: Rihanna- Umbrella

I'm absent-minded, extremely absent-minded.

I wanted to look for information about the minority parties before voting in the Galician elections. I didn't do it.

I wanted to give the stamps which I have two of them. I absolutely forgot it.

In Chinese, I haven't failed by miracle, but in English I have failed three of four parts. (heeelp!!!)

As student representative, I'm a disaster, I had to have done a phone list and I didn't.

Furthermore, my memory (which works when it wants) and my stage fright (I would like to overcome it, and in a short period of time I will must confront them...) I'm getting crazy!

Good- bye, Juan

Status: Sad
Song: Los Piratas- Muertos

The new of the suicide of Juan Campos Paz, music teacher in some schools (Included Escuelas La noticia del suicidio de Juan Campos Paz, profesor de música en diversas escuelas, (Entre ellas, Escuelas Nieto, where I studied the last four years of the obligatory school) was threw cold water on. Probably it was to many other people. I knew it on Wednesday, when I was going to the swimming pool. A big pain dominated me and I couldn't prevent myself crying. I had seen him last time some months ago. I couldn't imagine nothing like that, the only thing I thought is that he probable needed to talk.

I cried a lot at the funeral. It ashames me, in addition, there were many of my ex teachers in that school. I remembered his lessons, his words, his tenderness because of his being calm and good person. But I also remembered the times I think seriously to commit suicide. Fortunately, somebody stopped me.

I'm trying to assimilate it... But I can't...

Without internet?

Status: angry
Song: Amaral- El final

What a problem.

It's possible that I wouldn't have internet for some days.

Prrrrr.....

Films season in Italian starts...

Status: Calm
Song: Modena City Ramblers: I cento passi

I think it was as appartain again to that group of Italian students. A strange sensation full me today, when I entered to the Assembly Hall, convinced to watch the first film of the Italian film season (mafia, camorra films, etc). That's the way of my ex teachers to express the repulse to this kind of activities. Yes, the fact of study in the languages school yet, has the vantage: I can assist to some activities of Italian yet without problems.

Everything started with a introduction of a teacher, that I tried not to see his face... He talked a little, I think the most important thing he said is that these films, chosen by the Italian departament, tell true stories, not like American stories of mafia, as The Godfather. Then of some minutes of distraction, I could concentrate myself in the film, One Hundred Steps, that tells the story of Peppino Impastato. Touching.

In that two hours I felt strange, as nothing had changed since last year. I don't appartain now to that classes, as I know how to deffend myself with Italian language. Somebody says (as an ex teacher of the Secondary Obligatory) that I should look for a job as a translator. Maybe it could be as easy as say it!

Without stamp my unemployment

Status: stuned and nervous
Song: Vomitiors- Nervos

My case doesn't have a name.

I was asleep and I couldn't stamp my unemployement. I know my clock sounded and I stopped it. I also had a serie of small strange dreams, I have dreamt with the nurse (I have to go to do my medical history) I dreamt with one of my ex-teachers of Italian, I dreamt with my ex-monitor of the pool (Yesterday they changed us monitor). So, a strange mixture that anyway, makes sense. The fact is that I'm angry because I couldn't stamp my unemployment (of course, is only possible do it until the 11) And tomorrow I will have to do another card... I have to send it to...

Little relief

Status: Triste, pesimista
Song: Caparezza: Un vero uomo dovrebbe lavare i piatti


Only two things: I'm not fine and everything is a holy shit.

Secret police

Status: Afraid
Song: Morodo: Los carros de Babylon

Today I had one of that dreams that doesn't make sense. A distressing dream. and really ridiculous. I was in the street, and a group comes to me (4 men and a woman). They tell me:

- Secret police. Are you Anahí Palacín Martínez?
- Yes, I am.
- So, yo have to collaborate with us in a mission.
- What mission? How many time will dure?
- 2 months and a half.
- Absolutely not. I can't be missing two months and a half to my class.- I try to scape, but they take hold of my arm.
- If you don't want to collaborate, we are going to arrest you.
- Can I call my parents?
- No.
- I have to advertise my parents.
- Absolutely not.

They dragged me, against my wishes, as a delinquent. Finally we arrived to a place and they closed me in a room.

- Tomorrow morning mission is going to starts.

And they closed the room with a key.

Fortunately, suddenly I awake.. So distressing.

Breaking with everything

Status: Angry, and something else I can't say (look the lyric of the song)
Song: Nine Inch Nails: Closer

Today, although that I have just say,-logically I wont give much details.- I want to cut off the contact with many people, that sometimes made me cry, with intention or do it or not, I don't know.

So, I have clear all my contacts in msn, yahoo and skype. I cancelled all of them, now I'm taking the people who talk to me (When their messages arrive) Why I'm doing that? I want to forget to some people who hurt me, and also to eliminate the people who I don't usually talk to. Yes, it is a really readical way, but it is the best. If I don't cancel some of that contacts, things can be worst. No, I'm not in something strange, I promise it.

New year, new life.

2008's evaluation

Status: Thoughtful
Song: Loreena McKenitt:Arabia

Another year has gone. It has been a scandalous year for me, full of experiences, positive and negative ones, but unforgettable.

This year the economical crisis has been really commented, in stead of that, my emotional crisis comes since the beginning of the year until now. During this 2008, I did not resolve any of my emotional conflicts, in stead of that, I have avoid them, I hope only for a period. I am not going to give names, who know me a little, can guess that names.

In the positive balance, I can say I could work. During three months I have been really in hurries, because of work and lessons. I have learnt that if I do more things, I have more time. It is strange, but that's it. I left the job, because is more important the health that the money, if a work creates you ansiety, is better to leave it. It was a miracle to me, that having less time, I have passed all, English, Italian and Chinese. The most direct consecuence is that I have finished Italian.

I have known new people. Salomé, Roy, Roberto, Álex... That was one of the things I always thank it was most complicated.

And the most important thing, I could travel most. Almost of them were short trips, but it is an advance: Twice to Madrid, once to Toledo, once to Finisterre, with some stops... (it is not much far, but it is something...) E obviously, my missed return to Milan, that meant look some new places appart of that city than I love.

This year, I have new objectives. Maybe too high expectatives. But I have to mark myself objectives:


- Meditate more, learn to control my shyness. Maybe I would have to do a course of oratory...
- Find a job.
- Leave my house. (And with a little more time, with a little help, I maybe could go for a longest period to Milan)
- Do courses (I'm specially interested on the air hostess one)
- Travel most.
- Participate in some literary competitions.
- Find a decent boy (mision impossible)
- To buy a portatile.